In the autumn of last year, I coached a young woman who had decided to leave university after the first half-term.
The reality had been a world away from her expectations, and all her dreams and hard work lay in tatters around her. As did her parents’ nerves.
I sensed that her circumstances were far from unique.
For young people with a SEND, the sheer volume of new learning on every level is immense, and the leap from home to higher education can feel like a vertical cliff face.
Whilst I worked with her on a one-to-one basis to help her untangle, reframe, and discern her next steps, I wanted to do more.
Meeting young people where they are
So, at the ripe old age of 61, I signed-up for TikTok.
My coaching work, and decades of teaching experience before that, told me that I had to meet my target audience ‘where they were’ if I was to have any success.
I called myself #TheMidweekMum and every Wednesday for a few weeks I started posting ideas about managing student life as a new undergraduate.
I talked about being gentle with yourself, and being realistic when managing the huge changes that accompanies new-found independence.
I posted reminders to say that deep friendships need time to grow – but that you can get by with being friendly until that happens – and crucially, about keeping in touch with people you already know well and trust.
In no time at all, the algorithm was sending me multiple reels of students who were unhappy, lost and out of their depth.
Typically, these were young women in their first year, but by no means exclusively so.
They were intelligent undergraduates from all backgrounds and with diverse needs, ‘going through the motions’ while waiting and hoping things would improve.
Selling students a lie
In the meantime, they were desperately unhappy.
Many of them felt cheated, sold a lie of ‘finding their tribe’, of endless fun and some longed-for independence.
For a while, they had managed the shock of the new but, ultimately, they had closed the doors to their rooms and started telling their phones about how awful they felt. And posting it.
Tears. Loneliness. Overwhelm. And a potentially dangerous level of vulnerability.
Let them know that it’s fine to say ‘I am not ok’
Sensing their disappointment and the fragility of some of their coping skills, coupled with their fear of letting other people down, I found that I was spending a lot of my time directing them to ‘go easy’ on themselves.
I suggested they maybe reconsider their expectations against the backdrop of a relatively short timeline, that they contact welfare personnel on campus and crucially, that they talk to a real person.
Because offloading onto your phone is not enough.
If speaking your thoughts aloud is helpful, knowing what to do next is essential.
Adjusting expectations
As parents and carers, it is very easy to forget that while we may have an idea of what to expect in the first term of university, our children may not.
You will probably have bought the new duvet cover, the crockery and maybe even covered the first few grocery bills, but have you allowed time for a conversation about wellbeing?
Right now, while things are steady and in the preparation for their departure to university, is the perfect time to have a conversation about how to manage the harder times, should they arise.
Treat it as a ‘fire drill’ exercise. Agree on one or two concrete actions to take if needed. A key phrase or a ‘marks out of ten’ shorthand explanation of how things are.
Obviously, you don’t want to burst their bubble, but it is worth letting them know that it’s fine to say ‘I am not ok’.
This ensures that silence is not misinterpreted as ‘they’re having too much fun to call us’ and a parental check-in still respects their need for independence and meets your need for reassurance.
My message is this, ‘don’t make a reel; make a call’.
Keeping an eye out for others
If that feels a little too direct, then prime them to keep an eye out for someone else.
Notice the familiar face from their halls of residence, whose door is shut more often than it used to be, or the person with whom they share lectures, but haven’t seen around for a while. Particularly after the first couple of months.
If things feel tricky, make a call. But know who to call before you need to do so.
I did not stay on TikTok, but I may return next term.
Same time of year, same issues but with a clearer message.
As for the young woman who changed her direction, she is doing incredibly well at work now and has no regrets. She is confident in her understanding that, if she should decide to go back to university at some point, she absolutely can.
